Allie's Stay on Earth

Wednesday, March 30, 2011. I got to the hospital at about 8:45pm and was in so much pain that the nurses took one look at me and started setting up the room and paging people. It was already time to push, but I was not mentally prepared for childbirth without medication, so I cried quite a bit. She was facing backwards so she was stuck for awhile, but Allison Genevieve Arnold was born at 9:44pm. She was 6 lbs. 13 oz. and 18.5 inches, but since she was only 34 weeks along, the nurses whisked her away before I could even see much of her.

When we did get to see her, we couldn't believe how much she reminded us of McKenzie. This information thrilled McKenzie to hear! She definitely looked like she belonged in our family.

We still couldn't hold her, since she needed help at first keeping her oxygen levels up. That was typical of babies born early, though, so we waited.

The kids couldn't see her, so they had fun hanging out in the hospital room with me. Kenzie stole my hospital robe, and has worn it around the past few days, wrapped her teddy bear in it, and even slept with it.

Parker had fun watching TV, playing on Daddy's phone, and of course pushing the buttons on the bed. They were both so very patient. I finally got to hold Allie Friday morning at about 4am. I was so excited I wanted to call Chris and brag, but I refrained from a 4am phone call. It finally felt real to me when I actually got to hold her. Unfortunately, Friday was also when Allie had to be transferred up to the University of Utah Hospital's NBICU. She wasn't peeing and was getting puffy, and the nurses at Alta View couldn't do anything for her. I was discharged from the hospital, and we followed her up to the U, but nobody could tell us anything yet. I don't think I've ever felt so exhausted as I did that night.

Saturday Daddy and I went to visit Allie, who was a Daddy's girl already. I have always loved watching my husband with our kids, and watching him with Allie was very special, too.

I held her too, of course, and she was pretty alert. She tried to look around and make some noises. I loved getting to see those little eyes trying to look around (but usually just going cross-eyed with that newborn vision). We were told she was perfect in every way except one - her kidneys were not working. Sunday morning at 6:30am I received a phone call from the nurse practitioner that Allie had stopped breathing several times and had been placed on a ventilator. We were not told more than that until we arrived in person. I never want to be so outnumbered by doctors in a tiny room again. The kidney specialist explained there was nothing he could do for Allie's kidneys to make them work. Because of their failure, her little body was filling up with fluids. Her heart was working too hard, and her little lungs were having trouble expanding against the pressure. I just sat and stared at the floor for awhile, and definitely was in the denial stage at that point.

Now the rules could be bent, and Kenzie and Parker were allowed to visit. You can see the pure joy in Kenzie's face here as she got to see her little sister for the first time. Allie opened her eyes and peeked at Kenzie, and Kenzie stroked her hair and held her little hand and talked to her. It was so bittersweet to hear Kenzie say, "It was the best day ever!"

Our family picture. Parker is not sure in this picture, but he did understand some. "Baby Allison come out your tummy!" he would tell me, and he smiled at her and said she was cute. Our Bishop came, and we were able to give her a name and a blessing. She was blessed with courage and strength, and she certainly was stronger than the rest of us. Monday, April 4, 2011. My mom flew in to see her, and was the first to hold her this day. She was attached to so many life-sustaining devices by this point that it took two nurses to be able to move her. I had never in my life seen my mother cry - not even when my brother passed away. She cried with us that day, though, as we sat and waited for Allie to be placed in a private room so family members could visit. Before going to the NBICU, the nurses at Alta View had tried to comfort me by showing me the layout of the area and explaining as my baby improved, she would be moved closer to the exit. Having her moved to the very last private room at the end of the hall was so heartbreaking. I think I finally started to realize what was happening at that point. McKenzie finally got to hold her sister. Kenzie sat very still and was very careful with all the tubes, but still played with Allie's one free hand. She was braver than the rest of us, and told me, "It will be okay, Mom." They were able to sit together for a few minutes, until Kenzie's arm got tired. "My one arm was tired, and my other arm was itchy!" she told me. I can't blame her; it was very hard to hold her on that pillow with all her equipment beeping at every slight movement. I managed to make a joke right before this picture, so it almost looks like a happy occasion. Only Chris and I held her after Kenzie since it was too hard on Allie to be moved, but we managed to pack the private room and the waiting room with family members. Until about 6:30 everyone came and kissed her forehead and visited with her. Allie was even puffier, and could only open her left eye by then. She opened it whenever she was spoken to, though, and it's hard to describe how it felt to have that one eye look out at me when I tried to comfort her. Daddy was able to give her a very special blessing, in which we knew our little girl was wanted back home with her Heavenly Father.

Once all our family members had left a little before 8pm, Daddy and I were able to spend some time together with Allie. This is her one free hand, the one I held. It was time to let her go, but all I wanted to be able to do was hold her once. Just really hold her. No tubes or machines beeping at me, just to hold my baby girl. It wasn't for very long, but I was grateful to get to hold her for a bit. She breathed on her own for a little while, but it made a terrible gaspy sound, and she wasn't even opening her one eye anymore. All I could do was tell her it was okay, to please go home and be at peace. She was much stronger than I was, though, and hung in there long enough for us to say goodbye to her. My sweet little girl passed away in my arms, and I can't begin to describe how much I miss her already. I am so glad I got to be with her for a little while, however. She was worth it. I know Heavenly Father will take good care of her until I can see her again. I know she is our daughter forever and that has already given us great comfort. I love you, my little Allie.